They're Taking Me Away to the Funny Farm
by Mistress Zelda
Summary: Welcome to the Galactic Headquarters. Oh, sorry, we don't allow sanity here. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Team Galactic or anyone in Pokemon! Oh, and this is to any one who reads my Fire Emblem fic. It's on hold for a bit. Heh, sorry.**

**Warning: This story contains extreme OOCness! If you want to read a story with these characters acting like they should, click that back button now!**

**Also, be kind. Please don't curse in your reviews. Or you will receive a very angry email!**

It was a normal day in the Galactic Headquarters. The various Grunts playing card game in the hallways…

"Ha!" shouted a Grunt. "My Pot of Greed OWNED your Blue-eyes White Dragon! Meaning your life points are gone."

"Um…no…" contradicted another Grunt who was also playing. "I really have no idea what you're doing anymore. Pot of Greed is a Magic card. You can't destroy anything with it."

"Says your MOM!!" retaliated the other Grunt.

One Grunt, who was confused with the whole entire thing, finally spoke up. "Hey guys, you realize that when I asked you if you wanted to play cards, I didn't ask for this baffling game! How about some Go fish…? Or something that actually makes sense?"

The Scientists were playing Cooking Mama on the big screen upstairs…

"Ha, ha!" laughed one scientist. "You just burnt your meat in the stir fry!"

"Oh yeah?" asked another. "Well, you were too busy laughing to stir your pot! So, HA!"

"Nooo!" the first scientist cried. "My Gold medal!!"

And of course, the spontaneous cries of peril from Cyrus's office. I think I hear one coming:

"NO!!! The demons in white are going to take me to the squishy room again!! GAAAH!!!"

But, in a certain room were the three Galactic Admins: Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn. Mars, the red-haired, hot headed Admin was sucked into a game of Doom 3. Although she had the head phones on the keep the noise down, the volume was so high it didn't really matter. The screams of demons and the splattering of blood were disturbing the nearby Jupiter. The smart, magenta-haired woman did not appreciate these loud sounds for they were disrupting her concentration. She was reading a fairly large novel and required complete silence.

Jupiter heaved a heavy sigh. "Maybe I should try somewhere a little more QUIET!!!" The last word was shouted at Mars, who was so absorbed into her game she probably didn't even know who she was.

Jupiter's left eye twitched with anger and she began to walk away. She walked past Saturn, a very…interesting character. He was sitting on the couch battling a plastic spork and knife while making voices. "Spork, I am your father!" Saturn said in a low voice while moving the knife. "NU!!" he shrieked in a high, shrilly voice whilst moving the spork. "I shall never believe you! Now die!!!" The strange blue-haired Admin began to make childish exploding noises.

Jupiter glared at Saturn as she passed him. And then, as she turned to look forward, she was forced to a halt.

There standing in front of her was a young man, with a completely confused look on his face.

"Um…" Jupiter raised an eyebrow. "Can I…help you?"

"Uh…" the young man started. "I'm here to become a member of your team thingy…"

"Oh," she responded. "A new recruit, huh? Well…that's getting this train wreck rolling…" She grabbed the recruit by the ear and led him over to the lounge of the Admins. "I'm Jupiter." She pointed over to Mars who was freaking out about her game. "And that weirdo is Mars."

"Wooo!" Mars exclaimed. "In your face, you giant demon!" The red-head bounced over to Jupiter. "Ha! 17th time beating Doom 3!"

Jupiter glared. "How about you put down your game for one second and introduce yourself to the new recruit!"

Mars just noticed the young man. "Oh, hi! I didn't see you there!" Jupiter rolled her eyes at this. "I'm Mars. I like video games, violence, beating people up, insulting people, more violence, sports, and blood spewing from the pores of fire throwing demons!"

The new unsuspecting recruit blinked and nodded his head to make sure Mars wouldn't beat the tar out of him.

Jupiter shook her head and looked over at Saturn, who was using his index finger as a cue tip. "This disgusting problem child is Saturn."

Saturn grimaced as he continued to dig into the bowels of his ear canal. "Hey guys, are you supposed to have hard things in your ear?"

Mars held up her fist as a threat. "Get over here and introduce yourself before I shove my fist in your ear!"

Saturn gulped and wiped the ear ooze on the couch he was sitting on. "Uhh…yeah, hi, I'm Saturn. I…am the only male out of the Admins, even though Mars acts and looks like a guy…"

Mars twitched with anger. "Wrong thing to say, bucko!" She swiftly punched him in the face.

The blue-haired Admin rubbed the painful spot on his cheek while coughing up a few fake laughs. "That's our Mars...heh, heh. So…you got a name?"

The recruit nodded, "Yeah, it's-

"Okay that's great," Saturn interjected. "Now, every new recruit gets a special name. Yours will be…Grunt."

"Grunt?" asked the confused recruit. "What kind of a name-

"Don't ask questions," Jupiter interrupted.

"You see, all of the new recruits get the name Grunt at first," Saturn explained. "And you must keep that name unless you become an Admin and get a cool name. I mean, I used to be a Grunt, and I also used to have a name it was…uh...I think it began with a Q or maybe an A…"

"Enough," Jupiter said. "Let's start the tour…"

The Admins and the new recruit…Grunt…began their tour of the Galactic headquarters.

"Now," Mars started. "Our policy and first rule is this: Don't talk about our ambitions, don't ask about our ambitions, don't even THINK about our ambitions." She paused and grabbed Grunt by his shirt. "Are you thinking about our ambitions?"

"Uh…uh…" Grunt stuttered. "No! No ma'am!"

"Wait," said Saturn. "I thought our policy was, 'To infinity and beyond.'"

Jupiter sighed. "No, you idiot. Our policy is 'to the stars with…something' I don't know! Let's just go to the outfit machine."

Soon, the four Galactic members were standing in front of a large machine. The new Grunt shook in terror at what it might do.

Mars carefully inspected him. "Hm…I see. Yes. Short and meek with brown hair." She shook her head sadly. "No, no, that won't do. You need a make over!"

"Step on the conveyor belt, please," Jupiter pushed Grunt onto it.

"Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit," Mars reassured while pulling a lever.

The machine started to hum and clank as the conveyor belt begun to move. Grunt continued to shake in fear as he was pulled closer into the dark abyss. The only sound that could be heard was the machine…until the screams and cries of pain were heard from the Grunt.

"AGH! Oh my god! The pain! The unmerciful and horrific agony gushing through my pores! AGH!!!" These were only small examples of the cries being heard.

Finally, the new member was violently expelled from the opposite end of the machine, and he looked completely different. For one thing, his hair was this interesting…teal like colour. Kinda of…aqua coloured I don't know! A weird colour! Anyway, he was in the standard Galactic Grunt uniform as well. He stood, obviously noticing his outfit but gave a few grunts of pain.

"Is this…supposed to be…painful?" he asked.

"Pain is beauty!" Saturn replied. "And see? You're grunting! That's what Grunts do…they grunt! Am I right?"

Jupiter sighed. "I'll give you an A for effort, Saturn, now…let's continue."

The three Admins dragged the confused new recruit through the corridors of the Galactic Headquarters. Showing him all of the insignificant…er…I mean wonderful things that the team has accomplished. Which is certainly not nothing. Yup. They've definitely done a whole lot.

Anyway, the final and most dreaded stop was the unthinkable, the terrible, the unspeakable introducing of Cyrus!

Jupiter swallowed her fear as they neared the door to Cyrus's office. "Now new Grunt, I would advise you to make absolutely NO sudden movements. Don't speak unless spoken to, and don't you even think of saying…" she got down to a whisper, "'squishy room.'"

The Grunt blinked. "Why?"

"Well…" Mars replied. "The boss was taken to some place very SPECIAL when he was younger."

"What do you mean?" asked the Grunt.

"Um…" Saturn responded. "Let's just say the boss is a little loony in the toony."

Jupiter slowly brought up her shaking hand and knocked a few times.

"Come in…" was the answer in response to the knocking.

Jupiter opened the door gingerly and said softly, "The new recruit is here."

The door opened wider and all four of them stepped in. There at the desk sat an older man. His hair was matted and unkempt, not to mention parts of it looked like it was torn out. His face, emotionless, but the dark circles under his eyes were apparent. He stood up and slowly walked over to the four, nodding at each one of them.

"So, you are the new recruit," his voice was deep and calm.

The Grunt nodded, "Yes sir…"

"Tell me boy, have you or have you not had any contact with the space monkeys?"

"I…beg your pardon?" the Grunt replied.

"HA!" Cyrus shouted. "A typical answer from someone who has allied themselves with the notorious space monkeys!"

"I don't understand…"

The Galactic boss brought his face uncomfortably close to the Grunt's. "When I was young, my mother dressed me up like a girl and called me Celia!"

The Grunt gulped. "Um…I'm sorry, sir?"

"WRONG!!!" exclaimed Cyrus. "The correct answer was C, neither A nor B!

The new recruit remained silent as he shook in fear.

"They sent me away. They said I was crazy! But I'm not crazy, am I, Mars?"

Mars squealed in fear at her name, "N-No sir!"

"Good Mars! Good," Cyrus paused for a bit. "Those accursed demons in white!" Cyrus collapsed on the floor and wrapped himself in his arms. "They wrapped me up like a package and through me into that room! But they don't understand me! The space monkeys! They watch us. Watch us every waking moment of our lives. Attempting to probe our brains and make us their pets!" The boss shook the new grunt violently. "That is why I must take control of Dialga and Palkia. To stop the space monkeys from succeeding in their ambitions!"

It was silent. The only sound was Cyrus's gasps.

He cleared his throat. "We at Team Galactic welcome you and hope you will help us build a new world. Now, leave. I have very important work to do."

Mars grabbed the Grunt quickly and ran out of the room.

The Grunt was flabbergasted with the event that had just occurred. "Is he…always like that?"

"Cyrus…flew INTO the Cuckoo's Nest a long time ago," Jupiter responded.

Saturn nodded. "Yeah, he's probably one of the cuckooest of the Cocoa Puffs.

"Then why do you guys follow him?" asked the Grunt.

"Well…to most people we say, 'his words were irresistible,'" Mars replied. "But actually, he promised the Admins our own continent. And then the Grunts get their own country. So, that's the only reason most of us stay here."

"Okay," Grunt said. "But I don't have to…talk with Cyrus, do I?"

"Well…you might," Saturn answered. "But you probably shouldn't have too many prigidy-problems."

Mars was about to slap Saturn but suddenly…

"Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn, report to my office IMMEDIATELY!" Cyrus's voice rang through the hallways. "And yes, I will be inspecting you to see if the space monkeys probed your brain. Or if my mother did. …my mother never loved me…always dressing me up like a girl and saying how she wished I was one…"

The three gulped in unison as Cyrus continued to ramble.

"Your room is a floor down from here," Mars told him. "After this, we probably won't recognize you anymore because you look like everyone else. So, bye!"

The Grunt was left alone. Still shaking from his Cyrus encounter, Grunt thought that he should probably get some rest. He walked into his new room and plopped down into his bed.

He awoke with a jolt in the middle of the night to hear thunder-like footsteps in the hallway.

'Who is that?' the new member asked himself.

The door slowly creaked open, and Grunt immediately threw the covers over his head.

Through the covers, the Grunt could see a light shining around in his room, and fear crawled up his body. Suddenly, the covers were thrown off of him and there, staring back at him, was Cyrus, a crazy look in his eye.

"I never got to completely test if you were with or not the space monkeys," he held up a bag with something rustling in it.

"What…what are you going to do?" the terrified Grunt asked.

Slowly, Cyrus pulled out a toy fire truck and a stuffed chipmunk. "They said I was crazy! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY!!! Bwahahahahah!!!"

The new member let out a scream, as Cyrus moved in closer with these terrible items.

…

He awoke, lying in the middle of the hallway. All of the other Galactic Grunts were moving along the hallways like nothing had happened. The new Grunt sat up and an excruciating pain erupted all over his body.

One girl stopped and bent down to look at him. "Did he test out if you were part of the supposed 'space monkeys?' Yeah, he does this to everyone. Don't take it personally. The scars should go away in a few weeks."

A young man joined her. "Space monkeys test? Yeah. What did you get attacked with? I got attacked with a bag of Goldfish and a Playstation 2 controller the first time. And then the second time it was a mop and a shoe box."

The recruit was shocked. "It happens twice?"

"If you're lucky," the girl replied. "I have heard stories of people getting attacked up to twenty or more times. I've only been attacked four times. Then again I joined a few weeks ago. You just kind of live with it."

"And no one knows what he does," stated the guy. "It all goes black after you see what he's about to attack you with. And you always end up somewhere weird. A week ago someone ended up in Hearthome city. It's always interesting. Well…we're off. How about you tell me about the four times you were attacked?"

He watched them be pulled into the stream of members, and then he fell back down on his back, looking at the other Grunts passing him. They were acting like this terrible mauling was no big deal! The new Grunt then regretting joining this insane organization felled with wackos. He thought this Team had an actual good purpose to serve, but now he discovered that they were all crazy, especially Cyrus. He needed to get out of this, now.

Later on, after trying to cover up his scars, the new Grunt went to the Admin lounge.

"Can we help you?" Mars asked, looking up from her DS.

"I'm the Grunt from yesterday, and last night I got horribly mangled by Cyrus!" he shouted angrily.

"Oh, don't take it personally," Saturn reassured. "He does that with everyone. In fact, that's why your outfit covers up your body; to cover up the scars. Don't take it too prigidy-personally."

Jupiter hit Saturn with her book. "Look, we at Team Galactic take no responsibility for the injuries caused by Cyrus. It was in your contract."

"I thought that was I joke!" the enraged Grunt yelled. "I want out of this band of crazy people."

Suddenly, they all got seriously. "Oh…you can't leave…" said the now serious Saturn.

"You have to stay with us, forever…" Jupiter grabbed the Grunt.

Mars moved in and crackled her knuckles. "If you try to leave, we might just have to rend you…"

"You're one of us now…" they all said in unison. "Leaving is forbidden…"

The Grunt gulped as they all moved in…

I'm sure you all are wondering what happens next. Well, you can talk to this Grunt in Diamond and Pearl. Remember? He was that one Grunt at that one place at that certain point in the game? You remember, right? Yeah. You do. So, if you remember exactly what he said, then you will figure out what happened after he realized he couldn't leave.


End file.
